14: maybe you need to cry 🌼
mental health! forms of release! & workshop signups!!! ✨ (may 2021)
Iteration #14 of this monthly letter full of feelings.
This issue's theme is: ⚘ mental! health! awareness! babyyy ⚘
I'm behind again (I'm always behind). I started writing this back in may, and I was all: "damn I've got this whole time thing figured out, I'm gonna actually send this letter in may" and then, as always, I started going all the way around the emotion carousel and shame spiral back to the bottom of my self esteem and ability to make words with my brain. And then all the words and feelings and things I can't communicate get stuck in my throat and it hurts but I can't figure out how to get them out. Then eventually the damn breaks; it always does. Honestly I don't know if I've felt the damn break yet over the last two months, but I'm pushing through the sludge anyway. So if this newsletter seems especially messy, maybe that's why.
But hey, now I'm sending this may letter out during ~cancer season~ (or as my friend Danialie calls it: crybaby season – and you should definitely subscribe to her newsletter of the same name). And how perfect?! I'm right on time (that sentiment brought to you by a very cool therapist I photographed once).
So, yeah. This was about mental health awareness and what that means to me etc. etc. because it was MAY and it WAS mental health awareness month! Then, early on in May, someone close to me had a mental health emergency and things felt really hard and confusing and I was scared all the time. I was also angry. I was angry because I kept thinking about things I had heard that stuck to my brain. Things I heard someone's dad say: "I always knew there was something off about them." Things a friend once said to me: "I'm not the crazy one who needs a therapist." Things that stick because they confirm my insecurities and keep me feeling small and undeserving of love. I was circling my own shame spiral – afraid of being the crazy one.
Anyway, if you've never had a mental health ~moment~ whatever that means, you're just lucky – you're not exceptional. People deal with heavy shit all the time, and most of the time we do it alone, because we're afraid. How sad is that? I want so badly to live in a world where community is stronger than ego. I'm reading All About Love (have been for like a year, but hey – I'm not always running late, I'm always right on time), and Bell Hooks says: "pain will come whether we choose it or not and not one of us can escape it. The presence of pain in our lives is not an indicator of dysfunction."
CRYING AS COMMUNICATION
Crying is literally so fucking good for you. You know that, right? I don't have to explain it (do I?) It's like... an obvious r e l e a s e of the tension in your body but it's SO hard to let it out. And especially in front of people? To have people WITNESS your tears? No thank you. Scary, right?
What if we thought of crying as a language, as a form of communication? If, instead of panicking and trying to get the waterworks to stop (as the cryer or the witnesser), we let it out and listened to whatever our body was trying to communicate that maybe our mouths didn't have the language for?
I feel like most of us are afraid to cry – is that true? Crying in front of someone, I feel so much shame and responsibility and embarrassment and icky feelings. I don't want to feel that way but damn, do I feel ugly when I'm crying.
How do you communicate how you're feeling? How do you push through the ugly and communicate and let the people you love see you ugly? How do you get people to see that you're struggling? Do you just resign to never feeling understood and knowing that it's your responsibility to pick yourself back up? Is that callous? Am I crazy? Am I alone? Maybe crying, for me, is a way to scream "I need to be held," or "my inner child is struggling, I'm literally just a baby and I need you to comfort me." How do you make someone feel held when they are crying out?
⏝ ⏜ MAYBE YOU NEED TO RELEASE ⏝ ⏜
I made a playlist of songs that will sometimes hit just the right sad spot to make me cry when I'm feeling all blocked up. Maybe these songs will work for you too? Or maybe you can make your own playlist and share it with me. 🥰
But maybe crying isn't your thing. What are the things that help you release all of those sticky heavy feelings? My friend Nina said something about pressure release valves and it got me thinking about all of the things in my life I might use more intentionally: going for a walk, taking a quiet drive, scream-singing in the car, learning a silly song on the guitar, even buying myself a little warm pastry to remind me that I deserve sweet things. Maybe it's going out dancing with your friends or dancing around your apartment in your underwear (I made a playlist for that too).
Finally! Sign up for my workshop! I've been talking about this for months. but I FINALLY put out some pay-what-you-can month long photography & creativity workshops! (through zoom). It's going to be a cozy little space on the internet full of warmth, curiosity, and enthusiasm. I have three options available, & in each iteration, we'll make a little community where we help each other work through insecurities and tap into our creative selves. I think it'll be cool. Wanna know more?! Descriptions for each are up on my website along with how to sign up!
If now isn't the best time but you're interested in participating in something similar down the road, please fill out this short form here & I'll keep you updated on future workshops! :)
Hard Copy photography show at the Art Association of Oswego
Last month I had 3 photographs in a group show at the Art Association of Oswego County! It was a very sweet exhibit of 15 photographers, put together by my high school photography teacher and one of my top ten favorite human beings ever, Charlotte Arcadi. 🥹
Episode 1 of Hoes With Feelings! I was on Karolena & Melissa's FIRST episode of Hoes With Feelings. They're already like.... 12 episodes in or something at this point and I'm so excited for them and honestly, how cool that I got to be the first one! You can listen to us talk about dead dads & hot therapists! All the good stuff!
Since this is the most feelingest of feelings letters, I wanted to share my bookshop.org list of all my favorite books about ~feelings!~ Some of my favorite people like Jordan, Grace, and Blythe have books on the list which is very cool... how cool is it to have friends that are vulnerable and expressive and unafraid of putting themselves out there for EVERYONE to read?!?! I think it's very cool. ANYWAY. Did I miss any good ones? Let me know some of your favorites!
What are you feeling lately? How do you releeeeease?
Really, I want to know...
⋰ If you'd like to read previous newsletters, they are archived here.
This newsletter was started in the Onondaga & Haudenosaunee + finished in the Munsee Lenape & Schaghticoke territory. To learn more about the stolen land you're occupying, visit native-land.ca ⋰
