22: personal integrity & new year intentions 🥵
on sweetness, time travel, and trying my best. (january 2022)
Iteration #22 of this monthly letter full of feelings. This issue's theme is: ⋆⋰☾ personal integrity ☽⋰⋆
Hello wonderful reader, it's been a bit since you've heard from me. If you've been subscribed for a while, you've witnessed me push the limits of a monthly newsletter: sending a few weeks late, then months late, and now I'm several months behind. The last issue I sent out was in November with thoughts from July. I'm not necessarily ashamed of the lack of discipline toward a monthly routine, though I do desire to move toward a more disciplined monthly practice. It is so helpful to have something that forces me to reflect and think on themes & synchronicities that have been popping up. But it's like exercise – once you stop the routine, it's that much harder to get started again.
I know that the last few months have been especially hard for me, and I've been processing a lot. I can show myself grace for that. I also know that I could do whatever the hell I want with this newsletter – it is mine and only mine, after all. I do have a lot to say about August, September, October, November, and December, and I currently have every intention of revisiting those months now with some distance, making up for the time I've been processing with my head in the clouds, not feeling very capable of putting words out there and not feeling like any words I come up with match what I'm feeling. Hopefully, in the coming weeks I might send a few of those past month's letters out (let's call it time traveling, okay?). I am going to try to move forward in 2022 writing each month's letter by the last day of the month. I could really use some creative self discipline (let's see if I can stick to it).
ON GENTLE INTENTIONS
This January has been soft and gentle – things I desperately need and want to embody. I am so hard on myself and it has been so hard to feel so stuck. This month I had space from where we've been living, space with my partner, space to myself, space with my friends, space in NYC, in Maine. I practiced opening myself up to being myself, nurturing the qualities that I love but constantly question. I practiced letting down my porcupine spikes and being tender. I cried when I needed to cry and I tried to show up as best as I could each day with as little judgment as possible (when possible).
I started The Artist's Way, rolling my eyes all the way through like the pessimistic butthead I am, but I contain multitudes – I'm also a cheesy silly hopeful optimist. This book definitely feels like a cult at times and the way she writes is annoying at times... and lots of God talk, but I'm trying to just take what works and find other ways of approaching everything else with my own angle. Replacing "the creator" with "the universe" or something that feels right in the moment. I'm trying to be more comfortable opening up to a more abstract form of spirituality, distancing myself from the good/evil, heaven/hell stories I grew up around, and trying to find what works for me.
Anyway, that's been a big thing lately: finding what works for me. I've had a hard time giving myself permission to find my own way around things. Jordan and I talk a lot about finding workarounds – not beating yourself up for having a different approach to getting somewhere. Trusting yourself first and seeing where it goes before defaulting to "am I doing this right?" The important thing is not doing it right or being cool, it's just about trying.
I went in to January resistant to any resolutions, just trying to find out how to stay alive and present in my own existence. I guess it's a pretty big task. I've been circling around this tension between self compassion and accountability for a while. I'm trying to strike a balance somewhere with integrity. I think integrity is one of those words that I hear a lot but don't really know what it means. Someone used it once in a way that I think was meant to be empowering, and I felt offended. I think about that a lot: why it hurt and why it stuck. I am not a person that always does what I say I'm going to do. I have a lot of desires and dreams and the best of intentions (I think), but the honest truth is that I'm depressed and it's hard to follow through. Instead of beating myself up, I'm trying to think of ways to start honoring my needs (maybe it's something like reparenting practices – putting myself to bed at a healthy time, feeding myself food that is both nourishing and delicious, not withholding from myself, but giving what I need). Making space and making plans for my own desires and interests. That's what the root of integrity is, right? Saying yes when you want to say yes and saying no when you want to say no. Showing up to the things you truly want to show up for, and waking up because deep down you know you want to live your life, even though it's hard right now. Following what works for you instead of what you think works for others. Actually waking up in the morning instead of hiding under the covers for hours; trying to practice entering into the day with a grateful headspace until it fucking sticks.
FINDING YOUR GUIDES / TRUSTING YOURSELF
I got sweet small tattoos sprinkled on my body from my friend Kelli, who hummed along with the gentle sounds of the music in the shop as she hand poked flowers into my collar bone. I felt safe and held; I loved feeling so close to someone humming right into my ear. My first instinct when I hear someone singing in public is to feel secondhand embarrassment, and I was surprised at how easy it was to push that away and say to myself: I actually don't believe that. I love when people reveal themselves without walls. I imagined myself as a mother, secure enough in my own voice and my own being to hum along to my favorite songs while brushing a child's hair (or something).
A few days into 2022 I did this "new year" tarot spread right after watching a virtual beginner's tarot class by small spells (it was one of my artist dates, iykyk). I got a lot of messages about healing in order to transform, being able to see myself as an ambitious dreamer, embracing chaos & individuality, and focusing on my own goals with integrity. There's that word again.
I read something recently about how the universe speaks to you in synchronicities and coincidences, recurring experiences, intuition, finding/losing objects, among other things. Synchronicities are another big thing in The Artist's Way. I'm also working through this Many Moons lunar planner (I don't know a lot about the moon and all this BUT it's very cool to follow along and try to understand it better – I used to be really into full moons as a young teenager and I'm following that curiosity now as it comes up).
Lisa Olivera has a spiritual self compassion exercise in the planner that I've been thinking about a lot. It's impossible for me to explain it here, but if you're interested I'll tell you more. It has me thinking about guides and ways that the people we've lost & the things that are important to us lead us where we need to go.
I host a zoom group every week for artists of all types & we went through a version of this practice together last week. It was really cool & empowering. This is me in my fiancé's parent's guest room starting the zoom. I feel really grateful for this group of tender creatives & I'd love to share this space with you if you'd like to join us!
I was a guest on Jesse's radio show The Mess on Radio Free Brooklyn! We talked about songs that make us cry (my favorite) 🥲 You can listen to the episode here & you can add your own crying tunes to this gorgeous collaborative playlist.
☁︎ Thanks again for following along with my time traveling & my attempts to be present. How has January felt for you? ☁︎
⋰ If you'd like to read previous newsletters, they are archived here.
This newsletter was started in the Onondaga & Haudenosaunee + finished in the Munsee Lenape & Schaghticoke territory. To learn more about the stolen land you're occupying, visit native-land.ca ⋰
