23: personal love letters 💌
self love in a broken world & trying as a form of shifting (february 2022)
Iteration #23 of this monthly letter full of feelings. This issue's theme is: ♥︎ self love letters ♥︎
Sending you this February letter on March 3, which is funny because last month I was all about trying to hit these "deadlines" BUT if you think about it, March 3 is really just kind of like February 31... so if February wasn't the shortest month of the year, I might still be on time. Does it matter? No, because this isn't my homework and I'm not being graded on it! (I mean, technically I'm not being graded on it, but if I let myself fall down this thought path, I DO think I'm getting a failing grade). Perfectionism gets us nowhere & the failing itself is part of the beauty, right?
I am terrible at being nice to myself. It has been a whole thing lately. I have an entire letter from a few months ago that I'll likely send out soon about why it's so f*cking hard [edit: that letter was finally sent], but for this letter, I'm trying to focus on why it's necessary. I like to try to use February and Valentine's Day as a time to think about forms of love that aren't explicitly romantic-partnered-love: friendships, self-love, you know... how we put love into the world in ways that aren't linked to physical intimacy, how we show *tender* care and love to ourselves and each other, and make one another (and ourselves) feel safe and happy to be alive.
WRITING PHYSICAL LOVE LETTERS
Have you ever written yourself an actual love letter? Indulging in all the things you might actually really love about you, even if it's hard to see yourself that way? Meg Stalter posted this beautifully sincere love letter to herself. It kind of makes me feel like I could try.
You know what else makes me feel like I can try? The Beyoncé song, Schoolin' Life – it instantly makes me a little happier when I listen to it and makes me feel like I could love myself when I let my body wave around and dance energetically. I can feel myself inside my head saying "I'm not a teacher, babe, but I can teach you something / not a preacher, but we can pray if you wanna / ain't a doctor, but I can make you feel better / I'm great at writing physical love letters." Naming all of these things you're not an expert at, but you can do it your way really fucking well. This is the kind of affirmation I'm looking for! Beyonce isn't talking about a letter on paper in this song and maybe that's what I need to think about too – how do I write physical love letters to myself in my life?
Okay, so that leads us to affirmations. Heard of 'em? I'm so bad at them. I feel like spongebob looking in the mirror saying "I'm ugly and I'm proud." Even in trying to love myself, I find stupid silly ways to be self-deprecating – I can't take it seriously. I have been trying to find affirmations that work for me for a while now. Through The Artist's Way, through Abigail's mindfulness class and specifically loving kindness meditations... but everything feels so off; it hits my brain and immediately fires back, like the old saying about rubber and glue but my brain is just rubber and there's no glue for a positive affirmation to stick to.
When I look in the mirror, I just see everything I hate about myself. I thought about removing mirrors completely, but the thing is that I love mirrors – I love reflective surfaces and the way light bounces off of them. I decided to go all in on my love of mirrors and buy more. They fill your space with light! If nothing else, maybe I'll look at myself in one of these reflections and feel full of light. I don't have to look long enough to see all of the angles and spots and imperfections, but maybe if I do, I'll find something to love about them just by trying.
⏝ ⏜ SHIFTING THE DUST AROUND ⏝ ⏜
Even when it doesn't feel like we're succeeding, the act of trying can sometimes be enough to shift something in our brains. It's something. We're quick to write it off as ~not enough~ but our brains are always doing this work behind the scenes, shifting walls and moving compartments.
This text exchange is with my friend Anna, also in the ~dead dad club~ and it just reminded me of this concept – we don't have to always be perfect, we just have to be trying (more on all this dad stuff in March). But maybe the affirmations don't have to be perfect; they don't have to make me feel like some perfect version of what I "should" be – they can just be stepping stones, little movements pushing the dust around in my brain.
I can look at myself and feel ugly, but what's so wrong with ugly anyway? Maybe I am ugly and I'm proud?! I love the little parts of me that have been deemed ugly here and there: most notably, my big nose straight from my dad's face. I can look at myself and see all of the sweet, ugly, goofy, lovable things that have been given to me in this life.
꩜ LOVING YOURSELF WHEN THE WORLD IS BURNING ꩜
It feels futile, right? There are so many other important things to focus on – to center your gaze inward feels selfish, foolish, wrong. But you're literally living in this body and brain for as long as you're alive. It's the only thing that you'll have for your forever. Of course, it's all connected. Nurturing your community and your world is just as important as nurturing yourself. These things work together. You can't whole-heartedly show up in the world in your most wonderful form if you haven't first shown up for yourself. ~Hurt People Hurt People~ (as I assume we've all heard) – if you're not taking care of your own needs, you're likely stomping around like a goblin taking and projecting and hurting.
This post from Mari Andrew has been circling instagram the past few days. Specifically, the frame that reads "I am washing my face before bed while a country is on fire." Sometimes, it feels impossible to take care of yourself while there is so much pain around you. She goes on to say that beauty and pain are constantly co-existing and it has always been like this. It is exquisitely overwhelming to be a human in this world, with our soft fragile bodies and our soft fragile egos.
Always, in myself. Because in the end, you're all you have. Hating yourself doesn't make you more interesting, and it certainly doesn't make you a better person. It doesn't make you more capable of community care – in fact, I'm beginning to realize it does just the opposite. It makes you incapable of showing up for what you love. It makes it impossible to even recognize what you love or what's worth showing up for. What do I have to give? Who would want me in their corner? What good does that thinking do?! So here I am, encouraging you, and encouraging myself, to try to enthusiastically love what you've been given, and do your best with it in the world. Loving yourself isn't something to be ashamed of – it's kind of a miracle any of us are even alive.
So here I am, in front of my mirror, trying my best (lol):
What about you? What are you saying to yourself lately? Have you written yourself a love letter? Do you want to try? I'd love to read it if you'd like to send it to me or post it ♥︎
⋰ If you'd like to read previous newsletters, they are archived here.
This newsletter was started in the Onondaga & Haudenosaunee + finished in the Munsee Lenape & Schaghticoke territory. To learn more about the stolen land you're occupying, visit native-land.ca ⋰
