04: moving, changing, adapting, evolving 🔮
on moving on & feeling like you're dreaming (july 2020)
Iteration #4 of this monthly letter full of feelings.
This issue's theme is: ⌇☾ ⚘ adapting ☼ ○・
I moved & I feel weird.
I feel like I'm dreaming, and I have for like a month now. We've been thinking about moving since March, when the reality set in that I might not be working again for a while and we might not be able to afford to stay in our apartment. It has been 5 years since we moved into that little one bedroom and made it our own. It was my first place that felt totally my own, where I felt safe and held and free. I know that probably just comes from all of the work that I've been doing on myself, and I'll carry all of those lessons with me in my body but it's scary to let go of this place and let go of the city. It's not my identity.
Let me back up: Tommy and I moved to Syracuse (more specifically, my mom's basement) to save money and to be close to my mom and stepdad. My stepdad has lung cancer and it feels like we should be here. My dad died from lung cancer. Naturally, this is going to kick up a lot of grief cobwebs that have been in the corners of my insides since I was tiny.
So it felt like the right thing to do. We don't want to end up unable to afford anything and stressing about our careers while my stepdad is struggling and my mom is watching her second husband fight the same disease. There's a lot to sift through here, and it seems good for me to be here and maybe making photographs and being closer to my personal history and taking this whole messed up world thing as an opportunity to slow down. I don't know. It's a lot. I've felt crazy this whole time (by whole time, I guess I could mean within the past month since we've had to make this decision, or since March, but maybe... just in life?) Anyway, the city is not my identity. I've learned and grown and pushed through so much to be able to live in NYC but that does not magically evaporate when I leave. I'm still that person and I'm going to take all of that with me. I can't keep grasping onto my life in New York out of fear. This whole move is supposed to maybe open up opportunities for growth and whatever.
It doesn't make sense for me to hold on to something so tightly that I break.
I've been feeling like we made a mistake and I'm going to wake up in my old bed and walk out to the living room and everything will be back. I don't believe that we made a mistake – I think this was the "right" thing to do, but my body is still sending these signals to my brain.
Something I've been holding on to in all the advice I've been given throughout this is that it's never just one choice – you continue to make a series of choices and if something doesn't feel right then you make another choice. My high school english teacher told me that "the next step is the right one, because it always its." It always is. Why do I feel like it's the opposite? Like I'm destined to always make the wrong choice or something? What is that about?
Moving Playlist 🔮
I made a playlist mostly to cry to as we packed and drove away. "Buzzcut Season" by Lorde and "Sun in an Empty Room" by The Weakerthans were on repeat in my head with a constant stream of tears.
I asked folks on instagram to share some of their favorite songs to listen to when they're going through big changes, and I added most of those to the playlist too. Tell me if you have a good song that isn't on the playlist! I'm still working on it.
⚘ GROWTH & WHATEVER ⚘
Buy some postcards from me! Or if you're into things that take up more surface area, buy some prints from me? Or a gift card! If you wanna. ☺︎ ☁︎ ☼
Support the USPS & buy some stamps! We all love the postal service! Right?! It's a great time to get a roll of stamps (for your postcards you bought from me maybe?!) OR if you have a dog maybe buy them a CUTE OUTFIT and submit to this amazing instagram account: @dogsforusps (You're welcome)
FRIENDS DOING COOL THINGS:
left: My gorgeous friend Arti organized a Book Fair for All in Brooklyn and there's still a Take One Leave One free library up in Grand Army Plaza! Stop by and tidy it up and take a look at the beauty of mutual aid. ♥︎ (flyer by @stephguez)! right: If you are an aspiring plant person like me, I would stronglyyyy recommend a consultation with Jess. They are an incredibly talented comedian and plant goddess AND she's just launched a gofundme to start a plant shop!!!!
TWO THINGS I LOVED THIS MONTH
⋰ If you'd like to read previous newsletters, they are archived here.
This newsletter was written from the Onundagaonoga (Onondaga) & Haudenosaunee territory To learn more about the stolen land you're occupying, visit native-land.ca ⋰
