09: releasing the need to be flexible 💫
belated thoughts on the end of the year (december 2020)
Iteration #9 of this monthly letter full of feelings.
This issue's theme is: ✿ (belated) notes on the end of 2020 ✿
A Time Traveling Letter 〰️ originally sent on Jan 29, 2021 〰️
I very much meant to get this letter out before the year ended, or at least close to the beginning of January. I even made promises about getting it out in time (side note: when people make promises, do you usually believe them? I guess it's nuanced, right?) Then I cried hysterically in front of my future in-laws for reasons way bigger than the conversation we were having, and the next morning I woke up to news that my dog died. The point of all of this is that I really do believe in doing things when you're ready. Sometimes you have every intention of meeting a goal or a deadline, and then suddenly you end up buried again with other things to tend to, like burying your childhood dog.
Anyway, I had all of these notes written about new year intentions and being kind to yourself. All of the thoughts I was having a month ago still apply a month into the new year, so here they are: reworked and a little late. Thanks for being here.
A NEW YEAR AS A TIME TO RELEASE
Instead of making resolutions, I've been trying to think of the new year as a time to release things I'd like to leave in 2020. What would I like to move forward with this year, and what do I feel weighed down by? I really thought I had a list in me, but every time I tried to do bullet points I found myself feeling petty. I keep circling back to people I feel hurt by, people who talk over me, anger about moments I didn't stand up for myself, boundaries I can't seem to stick to.
My friend Jesse just led myself and a few friends in a writing exercise where she encouraged us to write out all of the feelings we're holding on to and want to let go of. She said something about astrology and how different signs might respond more to certain prompts: releasing anger, fear of the unknown, superficial distractions, commitments that no longer serve you (this last one was specifically for earth signs like me). I was fresh off a therapy session where I talked through the desire to be flexible and how I cling to this appearance of flexibility that seems rooted in my own belief that people would truly not want to be close to me, work with me, love me, even tolerate me, based on who I am and what I offer alone. That I have to be easy in order to be valuable.
So that's it: I'm releasing my desire to be flexible. I want to show up fully and just be myself. I don't have to be perfect to be loved (and neither do you). I just want to be honest. I want to be authentic and try to make my outside match my insides.
So I guess the theme of the year for me is honesty
Since we're on the subject, I think I've been hiding parts of myself forever. I know I've done it with grief, hiding that pain away from even my closest friends for the first 25 years of my life because I didn't want to be difficult. I didn't want to be the friend that everyone had to walk on eggshells around. But I just kind of became that friend anyway. So now, approaching 30, I'm figuring out how to shed this layer of skin. The things you bottle up and never say still find ways to be said, somehow. Thing things you try to bury in your body find ways to be felt. The Body Keeps The Score, etc.
So I think I've been hiding. I always say "I'll figure it out." My therapist reminds me that it's my strength: I always do find a way to figure it out. I'm scrappy, I can find a way to make a lot with a little. But it's also a weight I've been carrying around. I never state my needs because I'll just accommodate someone else's and figure it out for myself later. I have wanted to remain available, open, still approachable; not SO damaged and devastated that I'm unworkable, unhirable, unfriendable. I have had a hard time setting boundaries; forever, but especially now in this weird season of living in my mother's basement. I want to keep hiding – I'm afraid of letting people know how hard it is for me to be here, because I'm afraid they'll write me off as "too much." Not worth being friends with, not worth hiring, not worth working with in the future. There are ways I have been hiding for years, buying nicer clothes than I can afford, splitting the bill after I purposely got the cheapest thing on the menu (but I don't want to be difficult, it's okay, it's okay, I'll figure it out), being flexible, making promises I can't keep, spending hours working jobs that pay less than my monthly credit card minimum payment. Running away from things that I fear will reveal who I really am. But isn't the whole point I'm inching towards is that you have to put yourself out there to be seen? We want to be seen, right? Is that an all humans thing or just a me thing?
Yeah, I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out but I won't keep staying small. I'll keep figuring it out and stumbling and clumsily figuring out how to be me even when it feels to much.
RECENT WORK, ETC:
I've been thinking about all of the images I've made in this house over the last 10 years and I think this time here is helping me realize what it's about. I'm excited and I think it's going to turn into a book? maybe? self published? idk!
I made photographs of three of my friends for Alice + Whittles holiday campaign! They make beautiful vegan hiking boots they're unisex, btw!) and I love them. Their founder is also super sweet and lovely & I just love this brand. ♥︎
I’m working on a workshop!
I made mention of this last month, but I'm really getting serious about building out a pay-what-you-can month long photography workshop (through zoom). I want to design a little space that feels like a critique class, but in the most warm, inviting, enthusiastic, and curious way possible. It would be a cozy little online community where we would help you work through any ideas that you have, whether you're brand new to photography and testing out your eye, building out an idea for a new project, or sequencing existing images into their final project. If you're interested in being a part of this little beta-test workshop I'm figuring out, fill out this short form here. :)
This amazing human featured here hugging Billy Porter is my friend Mila Myles who is an incredible performer and comedian and they are just so full of tenderness (I am so into them). This video is a MUST WATCH and will remind you of the importance of showing up in the world as your most authentic self and believing in your work and pushing pushing pushing through all the hard stuff because somebody somewhere needs whatever you're born to put out there and you're never gonna reach the people who get you if you're not showing up and putting out who you really are. ✿
Love you! What's been on your mind so far this year?
⋰ If you'd like to read previous newsletters, they are archived here.
This newsletter was written from the Onundagaonoga (Onondaga) & Haudenosaunee territory To learn more about the stolen land you're occupying, visit native-land.ca ⋰
